Goal Centered Life Vs Values Centered Life
Why we need to get over our obsession with goals
Warning: This post will be controversial.
Goals
Our society is obsessed with goals. Whether it’s setting New Year’s resolutions which we then all fail at, or the recommendations of the next self-help book on the market, everyone is constantly making goals, full of hope about how happy they will be when they achieve those goals.
Have you ever said to yourself, “If I could just achieve X goal, then I’ll be happy” or “I’ll be happy when I reach this”? It seems like even from childhood we are taught to focus on goals - we go to school to pass exams, we pass exams to go to university, we go to university to get a good job, we get a good job so we can progress ever higher in that company, we aim for that so we can retire and then we retire so that we can…die? Always reaching for more, always having to strive for more. Happiness is always in the future. Is life just - pursue a goal, then another, then another, till you die?
What about contentment? What about living in the present? What about enjoying the now? Is your life really just a tick list of things to achieve? Are you going to look back on your deathbed and think yay I achieved all my goals?
There is a saying that is popular right now that “if you’re not growing then you are dying”. Rubbish! Just look at nature around us - it doesn’t just continually aim for growth - it wants to reach a state of balance. There is one thing in nature that does aim for endless growth - it’s called Cancer! We can see the effects all around us of economies focused on endless growth - environmental destruction. What about balance? That’s ultimately what we need.
If we want to understand why the idea that when we reach a particular goal then we’ll be happy is such an illusion, we need to understand the concept of “hedonic adaptation”. This is essentially the idea that we very quickly adapt to situations. Let say someone wins the lottery - they may be very happy in the immediate aftermath, but scientists have shown that within a few months, their happiness levels have returned to the levels they were before the win - they’ve adapted to the new situation. If you are a goal-oriented person, you may have found that when you achieve a goal, you don’t actually feel any happier after a short period, and so you then focus on the next goal, and so on. Basically what I am saying is - achieving your goals is not going to make you happy. And while you are chasing those goals… are you really living in the present or are you letting life pass you by? After all, the most important resource you actually have is Time. And that is running out…fast.
We do not know how much time we have. You might only live one more day, one more month, one more year. Do you really want to spend that in pursuit of goals that you may never obtain? Or do you want to enjoy the time you have now? The future is promised to no one. All we have is the present moment.
We are a very hubristic species. We think we are the most important beings on earth and that we can do what we like to others. We refuse to accept any limits that nature imposes on us. And as individuals we often think and act like we are the most important thing in existence, that the world revolves around us. We think that we are in control and can impose our will on the world. That is what goal setting ultimately is - our attempts to control the world. But as the stoics taught us - there is very little that we actually can control, really it’s just our reactions to things. Focusing a lot on the future leads to expectations, to an unhealthy attachment to outcomes, which often disappoints as life rarely goes the way we imagine it will.
Of course, we want to be important. We want to leave a legacy. We often fall into the false premise that the only worthwhile lives are those that achieve great things and get remembered - but for most people that never happens and so you essentially go to a very dark place of believing that most of humanity is worthless. Yet remember that everything is impermanent. In the grand scheme of things, you will pass away and be forgotten. You really are not that important. What you achieve through your goals will ultimately return to dust too. Immortality is an illusion. Why focus on something that in the grand scheme of things is not really important when you can focus on what is beautiful but fleeting right now? Don’t let your one short life pass you by. Stop and smell the flowers. Live in harmony. Achieving an endless set of goals will not be what gives you ongoing fulfillment, they just lead you to yet more goals, a never-ending rat run till you die of exhaustion.
“Life is precious as it is. All the elements for your happiness are already here. There is no need to run, strive, search, or struggle. Just be.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Happiness, peace, contentment, the present moment, enjoying the small things in life - that is what we really all want and need.
Now, I am not saying you shouldn’t have a goal now and then, or maybe even have some overall life goals. I really like the Daoist goal to “live long and live well” - but that isn’t a goal where you are thinking you’ll be happy when you achieve it. Rather it’s just an overall aim for your entire life and it’s more focused around the idea of balance.
So instead of goals, what should we be focusing on instead? The answer is two-fold - habits and values. Let’s focus on habits first.
Habits
There is a quote, often misattributed to Aristotle, that “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” It is true - it is ultimately our habits, the things we do repeatedly day after day, that determines who we are and the lives we lead.
Have you ever set yourself a goal to lose some weight, you follow a diet plan, you lose the weight, and then 3 months later you’ve put it all back on plus some? Don’t worry, that is the experience for so many people around the world. The reason this fails is that a diet is short-term. You start off with bad habits and put on weight, then you change your behaviour for a short time which allows you to lose the weight, and then you go back to the bad habits and the weight comes back. For long-term sustained weight loss, there actually has to be a permanent change in the habits in your life - you have to actually eat healthily for the rest of your life, not just go on a diet. It’s ultimately about habits - what makes sustained lasting change is the habits you have that you do today, tomorrow, and throughout your whole life.
If we want to live long and live well, then we must develop habits of eating healthy foods that we cook at home from scratch, getting more movement into our daily lives, meditating, and so on. And we have to do them daily as a habit.
What about building wealth and saving? Surely it’s fine to have a financial goal to save for a house or a wedding? My argument here would be - you should have a habit of saving anyway and then, over time, you can afford those things. Every month you should be saving something on the day you get paid if you want peace of mind financially.
What we need is systems (e.g. routines and reminders), not goals. Systems of habits that allow us to have what we want in life. Focus on setting up systems - systems to keep you healthy, systems to help you be financially secure, systems to enable you to focus on what you value in life. Systems that enable you to find balance, harmony, and peace in life. When you’ve set up a system and it’s running smoothly, you are focused on today, on the present, and not letting life just pass you by.
Values
The Stoics said that the only thing you truly need to be happy in life is to be a virtuous person. I think that might be taking it a bit too far, but it does raise an important point - if you want to live a happy life, then you need to focus more on living aligned with the internal rather than the external. True happiness and contentment does not come from achieving goals, it comes from living the right way in the moment.
What do we mean by “living the right way.” That’s where we bring in the idea of values. What are values? Well, they can be seen in two ways - first they can be seen in the traditional way of moral values or moral principles - living a life focused on being a good person and developing good character. Second, they can be seen as focused on the things we personally value in life - like health, family, nature, and so on. There can be crossover too - we may personally value honesty in others and that leads us to also value it as a moral principle in ourselves too. When I talk about values I mean values in both these senses.
When we are focused on living a values-focused life instead of a goals-focused life, then we are living in the here and now. We are trying to develop the habits of being a good person, we are focused on what actions we should do right now, and the reward, the satisfaction is not something that comes in the future but right now too. If we say we value family, then we are focused on spending time with family now, not in some distant future. If we say we value nature, then we are making the decision to go out for a walk in our local park or woodland today, not in 3 months. Each day you can ask yourself - Am I living in accordance with my values today? Have I acted according to my moral principles? Have I made time for those things I value most in life? It’s about what we do now, today.
Why should we focus on being a good person? Partly it comes back to harmony - if harmony with ourselves, others and nature is the meaning of life, then being a good person enables us to live in that harmony with others, but it also allows us to lay our heads on our pillows at night and experience the peace of knowing we did the right thing.
A values-centred life is a life philosophy for contentment, not endless striving for more and more.
Finding your values
There are a lot of websites out there that claim they have the method to show you how to find your values. I am a bit sceptical of them, especially the ones that claim you just need to look at some list of “values” and pick out the ones that are most important to you. However, a lot of these sites are also a good place to start, especially with some of the introspective questions they ask. I think that finding your values does require some introspection. It means thinking deeply and reflecting on your life and your experiences. But don’t think you have to somehow choose different ones to everyone else - there is a reason a lot of people share the same values or that the worlds great wisdom traditions/religions teach many of the same things.
Here I am going to make some suggestions of things I have done to help me find my values….
Look into the world’s great philosophies and religions and write down a list of the moral principles they advocate. Then whittle the list down to maybe 8 key moral principles and put them on the 8 points of a compass. This can be your compass guidance for life.
Ask yourself questions like - Who do I admire and what are the qualities they possess that lead me to admire them? If aliens landed and asked what makes for a good life, what would I say?
Write down a list of all the roles you have in life e.g. son/daughter, mother/father, brother/sister, aunt/uncle, employee, member of the human race, member of planet earth, your profession, your community roles e.t.c. Look at what type of person you need to be in each role to fulfil it well.
Do the “find your dharma” quizzes online to see which of the 5 groups you fit into best as that can tell you about what you value (and maybe your individual purpose in life). Equally do other personality quizzes to discover things about your personality.
Consider what your “play philosophy” is i.e. what do you like to do for fun in your free time - this is an indication of things you value. For me, it was ‘exploring’ - I like to explore new places, try new foods, learn new things and I spend a lot of my free time doing those things. Others will enjoy different things in their free time that will indicate what they value.
Think about the activities you do that bring you the most joy.
Just ask yourself - what things do I value in life? What are the most important things to me?
Do a money and time audit - how do I spend my money (after necessary expenses)? How do I spend my free time?
Ask yourself, what topics do I most like to talk about or learn about?
Ask yourself, what lessons have I learned in life? What are some of the key life lessons I learned from my family, my friends, or others that I respect? What quotes really resonate with you?
These things will all give you valuable information about what your values are. I would suggest splitting them into two - a moral values list, and a “what I value in life” list. I decided on 8 moral values that I want to live my life by, and then a list of 5 things that I value in life. It’s fine to have generic things that you value or things that everyone else will too. Once written out, then write down what each one means to you in your own words so that you can be clear in your head how they affect your life. Do this for both lists.
My five things that I value in life are - Family, Health, Nature, Tranquility, and Exploration. Knowing these five things, I can then plan my day or week to include these elements so that I know I am spending my precious time on them.
Conclusion
Ultimately, it’s about asking - what are the most important things to me in life? How do I want to live my life and spend my time? And then putting in place habits and systems/routines to enable us to do those things. And that should then enable us to live a life we are happy with, a life focused on contentment and the here and now, a slower life of harmony, rather than a never-ending pursuit of future-focused goals.